Nightmare Man (2006) Boring, telegraphed "horror" movie 3/10 ⭐

Nightmare Man (2006) Horror/Comedy/Thriller (surprise, it's none of those)

Boring, telegraphed story, not much nudity, violence is cartoonish, why am I watching this?!

Even the poster is stupid!

3 out of 10 stars Time to read: 2:25min

BASIC PLOT:

Ellen buys a fertility mask to help her sex life with her husband William (not really what fertility masks are for, but whatever). It supposedly has an entity attached to it that possesses her, driving her crazy. William decides to have her committed, on the way to the asylum, they run out of gas (in the middle of a remote forest, yeah right). William has to go get gas, leaving Ellen alone in the car, when suddenly, the spirit is no longer in her head, but in the woods trying to kill her. She makes it to a cabin, where two couples are playing truth or dare, and from there, the whole movie falls off a cliff.

The mask is stupid (and NOT scary!)

WHAT WORKS:

*THE CABIN ANTICS were a believable trope...up to a point. The truth or dare game, the two couples' banter, all that was decent and believable, but then it went over the cliff, and exploded into a horrible ball of flames.

The truth or dare session is the only
 believable part of the whole movie

WHAT DOESN'T WORK:

*THERE'S A JUMP BETWEEN BUYING THE MASK AND COMMITTING HER TO THE INSTITUTION. We don't really see any behavior that would lead to that. Jumping from opening the mask - we're on the road to the mental hospital - is too big a leap.

Feel like you've seen this before?

Oh yeah, it's Bordello of Blood

*NO ONE WOULD DROP THEIR CROSSBOW, and then leave it outside. That's when I officially stopped paying attention. I only kept watching because I needed to review it for Richard Moll's page on the T.J. Hooker wiki, otherwise I would have turned it off RIGHT there.

Richard Moll was the only reason I watched this...

...and he was in it for all of 2 minutes!

*WHEN THEY THINK THE DANGERS OVER, Mia goes outside and flirts with Ed, while getting a rifle out of the truck, why? It's so disjointed! We are outside screwing around (implying no danger), but we get a rifle out of the truck (implying there's danger), but we don't go retrieve our expensive crossbow we dropped (implying no danger, and we're stupid). NOBODY behaves this way! It's too much, even for a horror movie! It makes you NOT CARE because NOBODY WOULD BE THIS STUPID!

This violence is cartoonish...

*THIS MOVIE IS NOT SCARY, it's not even tense. Everything is so telegraphed, you know EXACTLY what is going to happen next, so there's no surprise. No surprise-no tension, no tension-no fun.

More not scary makeup that I've seen a million times before!

*THERE'S NO NUDITY OR TITILLATION through most of the movie, as other reviewers have said, the Truth or Dare game is the best part of the whole movie, that and seeing Mia's ass for 5 seconds. The banter and conversation feels like it might have been written by 12 year old boys.

 

This is the only real TITILLATION

In the whole damn movie!

*WHY WOULD THE DEMON GO AFTER MIA? It's so stupid, but by that point, you just don't give a damn.

*THE BRUTAL RAPE FEELS LIKE IT BELONGS IN ANOTHER MOVIE. The whole rest of the movie feels like it was written by and for 12 year old boys, then there's...this. WTF? The payoff is not good, it doesn't work, it's not particularly sexual, not gory, just crappy, like everything else in this turd. You can't have one of this categories be comedy, and have a brutal rape, those things don't go together (the rape is both disturbing, but cartoonish at the same time, making it a fail on both fronts).

TO RECOMMEND OR NOT TO RECOMMEND, THAT IS THE QUESTION: I can't recommend this movie because it's such a let down, even the name is stupid. Most of the actors did a good job, Blythe Metz occasionally over acted, or under acted, but for the most part, the acting was fine. But the storyline is so freaking stupid and telegraphed, it's basically pointless to watch. You know EXACTLY who the killer(s) are in the first 3 min. It's so obvious! You've seen this before, and in better iterations, go watch those, spare yourself the utter boredom.

CLOSING NOTES:

*THIS IS A LOW BUDGET MOVIE, please keep that in mind before you watch/rate it. This type of movie has a much lower budget, and so you expectations should be adjusted.

*I HAVE NO CONNECTION TO THE FILM, or production in ANY way. I'm not writing this as a favor, or because I was paid.

*CERTIFIED HUMAN WRITTEN REVIEW This review was NOT written in full, or in part, by a bot. I am just an honest viewer, who wishes for more straight forward reviews (less trolls and fanboys), and better entertainment. Hope I helped you out